Area Woman Smells Bad, Spends Entire Day Planning to Shower With Limited Success

Long Weekend More-or-Less Squandered

Entire World to Pauly Shore: Just Stop

Actor Pauly Shore, the star of such films as Encino Man and Son-In-Law, is making a last-ditch effort to restart his career with the new TBS series Minding the Store. Unfortunately for Shore, the reviews are less than stellar.

In a brief letter addressed to him from The Entire World, it was revealed that he should "just stop."

"Encino Man was okay, but you're old and bald now," the letter went on to say. "And talk about unfunny! For the love of God, please cut your losses and gracefully step aside."

When reached for comment, Shore seemed disoriented and muttered only, "Buuuudy..."

Area Deadbeat Gets Evicted, Uses Camera Phone to Demand Return of Bedroom Set

Late this afternoon, an unnamed local deadbeat returned to her former residence for the first time in more than a week and was incensed to find the locks changed and an eviction notice posted on the front door. She then used her cellular phone to call building management to demand access to the apartment in order to retrieve her furniture, much of which had already been removed from the premesis.

"I've got an entire fucking bedroom set in there! This is illegal!" she was heard to shreik. The young deadbeat sped off in a late-model Toyota Echo shortly after the brief call.

Earlier in the day, neighbours witnessed maintenence staff removing several truckloads of items from the newly vacant apartment, including a couch, two mattresses, two desktop computers, and a trash bag full of UGG boots and American Eagle flip-flops. In every colour of the rainbow.

Notice of Format Change

Seeing as I'm not doing anything with this space at all as of late, I figured I may as well start doing fake news rather than no news. I'll update with fake news stories a-la The Onion several times a day, once a day, once a week, or whenenver I feel like it.

It's Just Easier This Way

For a summary of the recent Presidential debate, just click here.

This Just in: Stephen Harper is an Asshat

Just when I was sitting around lamenting that I can't participate in the American presidential election... it looks like Canadians could be subjected to another federal election of our very own sooner rather than later. The reason? Conservative Party leader Stephen Harper is an asshat.

You see, the last Canadian federal election (you know, the one we had about three months ago?) ended with the Liberal party in a minority government position. This basically means that if all the other parties got together in the House of Commons, they could vote down anything the Liberals tried to pass... including the upcoming Throne Speech which essentially lays out the government's plans for the fall session of the House. Now, if that were to happen, it means that the government is automatically deposed, and another federal election is called immediately. To repeat, Stephen Harper is an asshat.

Raw Like Sushi

I haven't had sushi in, like, five months because I have to drive four hours to Halifax to get it. Both of the grocery stores in downtown Fredericton sell over-priced bento, but the quality is sub-par at best. I'm seriously considering taking the train from Moncton to Halifax sometime in the next few weeks to get my fix.

Lucky for me, lawmakers in Nova Scotia aren't as misguided as their counterparts at the Ministry of Health in Toronto: as of September 1, it's illegal for Ontario restauranteaurs to serve fresh, raw fish to their customers -- it's gotta be frozen for a while first to kill rare but dangerous parisites (despite the fact that there has never been even one reported case in Ontario of someone getting sick from eating tainted sushi).

Good News... For Real This Time

Regular viewers of Destitute is the New Black! may remember the closure of the RMH call centre in Oromocto at the end of last month. Some 700 people were thrown out of work, in some cases whole families found themselves with no means of support (other than the traditional alternative).

Today, a Big Government Announcement brought word that a new centre will be opening at the former RMH site. The centre will hire its first staff this week and within a year, 600 jobs will be created. Which is awesome news for most of the laid off RMH telemarketers, not to mention the town of Oromocto. It's good news for me, too... not because I want to work at a fucking call centre, but because that makes the competition for shitty minimum wage mall jobs far less stiff. Hooray for corporate welfare!

Cross-posted at Destitute is the New Black!.

Queering the Deal

About an hour ago, Nova Scotia became the sixth Canadian province or territory to determine that banning same-sex marriage is unconstitutional. Nova Scotia is the first province in the Atlantic region to give the stamp of approval to gay marriage, but hopefully the neighbours will smarten up and follow suit sooner rather than later.